At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How naked do you want me to be?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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