You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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