If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
