Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
