So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
