____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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