He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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