So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
