I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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