How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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