My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
