Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
