she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
