i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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