don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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