i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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