2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
