I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm passing your future prison.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
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I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
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And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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