So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
