Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
