i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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