some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
