If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
