if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
