its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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