so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
