I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
