Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
