I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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