I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
