i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
