you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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