tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
There's always time for handjobs
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
