someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize