For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
