remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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