Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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