Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
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On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
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He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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