my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
