I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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