I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
His nipple licking is glorious
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