i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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