It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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