now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
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Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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