Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
