I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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