When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
