Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
did i just pee glitter
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
