It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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