i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
