dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Floor bacon is actually really good
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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