dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
