I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
