Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
