Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
