I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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