i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
