I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
