Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
